Something to Read On the Toilet

(Or better yet, distancing myself from ignorant people.) 

I bought some great earphones today. I’ve just been listening to music all day and just blocking everyone out. It went great. I feel like every since I got out of high school and started working I have stooped down to the level of my co-workers so that they could understand me. I show the same level of respect to a CEO as I do to a janitor, but when it comes to conversation it’s a whole different ball game. There are janitors out there who’s intelligence is at a much higher level than a CEO, vice versa. So when it comes to ignorance you can’t just stereotype due to occupation, race, age, gender, etc. However, in my facility, the majority of my co-workers are the stereotype. Low-leveled, uneducated, immature, you know the rest. I can’t be myself around them I have to lower my level to their level in order for them to understand me. The horrible part is that I stayed in that lowered level for an incredibly long time and it seems that I may have lost touch with my true self. Distancing myself from everyone seems to be the only way to get back to my higher-self. I have the mind that can speak eith different types of levels of education and maturity, which is why I must get back to it.

What seemed to be forever took such a little bit of time. It’s bittersweet. I met so many cool people and I only questioned my sanity like 2000 times but it worked out! Now I have to pass my state board exam. I graduated school with Straight As. The only thing I’m worried about is if going back to my old schedule is going to have a negative impact on me. I think I might just stick to my book until the exam. 

Today I found out that I have no real support system. I depended much on my mom and brother. But they’ve never been a real support system. My brother always called me a bitch, and my mom always told me i was weak.

In the past year I’ve been told to kill myself, but in a joking manner, about three times. It was all just boiling down and it just crept up on me. Out of nowhere at all I just started thinking of every bad thing I’ve heard in the nearest past.  It wasn’t horrible but copable. My mom and brother can no longer be my support system. I’m by myself in life for right now, sometimes it’s a good idea to be alone. But for me I feel like it’s forced.

Have you ever just some something and it just felt right? Like nothing was obstructing your sight from what you were doing, and you actually enjoyed doing it? Well that just happened to me. We just had clinicals at school and I’ve never been so certain about this in my life. I want to be a nurse. This is how I can truly help people. I planned on going for my LVN to go to school for my Doctorates in Psychology, but then I realized that I could merge both together. The position is called Psychiatric Mental Health Nurse Practitioner and it’s basically the most golden idea I’ve ever.

I thought it would be easy to just to finish my pre reqs for the RN program at a community college but I never realized that all the classes I dropped back then would stay on my transcripts forever. So now I have 7 Ws on my transcript. In order to get into the program I have to have low dropped classes and high GPA, which currently I do not have. So now I have to get my LVN, then do the LVN to RN program, then continue into PhD in Nursing. I calculated and if everything goes well I will be a nurse practitioner in 11 years. I would 34 years old. That is only if I start by 23 years old. I just set up a meeting for casa loma college and I want to be attending their LVN program in 6 months or less.

I started my first week of nursing school and I can definitely tell this is the field I want to be in. We had a test this past Friday, which I passed with 99%, but before that i had several anxiety attacks and one panic attack right before the test. This is exactly what happened in college and another reason as to why I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Panic Disorder. I hope it doesn’t start to get worse like it did before.

Do you know how it feels to have my disorder?

I feel it all but in the perception of others I look fine. Have you ever gotten scared? Like truly scared. To the point where your stomach hurts. That nervous feeling you get, is what I get but out of nowhere for no reason. It hurts sometimes. I screamed the first time because I had no idea what was happening.

Today I bought a new preworkout and protein. I really wanted preworkout that would give me a pump. My anxiety kicked in as I had no idea what to expect for this is a new preworkout. So I started to look up “what if’s” about preworkout. Death, stroke, heart attack……AAHHH. I got super anxious and panicky, but took it anyways. After the gym I felt super paranoid or anxious it’s hard to identify the two really. I hate my anxiety, but without it I would have never been the person I am today.

I started this blog in the middle of August 2015. So much has happened. Lets just say that I’ve done everything I’ve wanted to do. But, in that process, I lost my first love, I’ve sped up the process of my anxiety disorder, I got locked up in a 72 hour hold, I almost burned down any possible bridge and I gained 50 lbs. So let’s talk about the things I did. I had used women for my own pleasure. I had smoked marijuana for the first time (which is what caused my anxiety disorder to advance into an abnormal state). I ate, smoked and drank whenever and whatever I wanted. I drove under the influence of marijuana and alcohol, believe it or not that was something I wanted to do. My morals and goals were so affected by today’s society and it just took over. I became exactly what I hated. A drinker and pothead that treated every woman like shit.

In retrospect, I had a lot of fun, but at what cost? As I balance the pros and cons, the cons win for sure. I had gone down an abyss of selfishness; trying to gain some self esteem and worth in which I thought I would have never come back. But luckily I did. It took me rock bottom to realize something had to change.

Today I am back to taking care of myself, but before, I took care of myself for the money, women and drugs. Now, I am taking care of myself because I love myself, I know my worth and I know what that side of me will eventually lead to.

*High Five* if you are currently reading.

This post is really only about my progress in ‘life’. My life story is not one to just blurt out on one post, so I’ll definitely have things to post later on. But what I can tell you today is that my weight has definitely given me a different way to see my world, a new perspective.

Have you ever looked back a few months or years ago and said to yourself, ‘”Man, what was I thinking?” Or, “Thank God I’m not the same person.”‘? This is exactly what’s happening to me right now. About two years ago, I was at the lowest point of my college life. I was alone, my credit was bad, my car broke down, and I had to drop out of college for a second. But worst of all, I was morbidly obesed. I’m thinking to myself right now, if I would have never lost my weight, would i still be the same person or worse? Once I lost weight, I recieved a raise, I was invited to parties, my engine was replaced, and I’m back in school.

It’s amazing at how I saw my reverse domino effect right before my eyes. I just had to sacrifice one thing to get myself back on track. I guess that’s my point of this post. You have to sacrifice many things in life, but be reassured that something positive will come back. Make sure that what your sacrificing is something negative, not positive, because it can go both ways. Play your cards right.

This is your game, no one else’s. Play it right.